Of all the musical tasks I’ve had to do, conducting is by far the weirdest. On one hand, the conductor is of supreme importance as the leader of the troops. On the other hand, the conductor makes no sound, and is therefore essentially useless. I’ve worked with ensembles who want every nuance clearly defined by subtle hand gestures coupled with eyebrow lifts, and I’ve worked with ensembles that want a downbeat and nothing more. I’ve messed up conducting pieces I had studied for ages and perfectly conducted pieces that I had never seen before. A great conductor with a bad ensemble will probably make a bad performance because the musicians won’t bother to look at the conductor, while a bad conductor with a great ensemble will probably perform well because the musicians will just ignore the conductor anyway. And yet, even though the performers claim to “never watch the conductor”, when something goes wrong, guess who gets the blame? The Sword of Damocles constantly hangs over the conductor’s head.

So what makes a great conductor? Here are some totally legitimate conducting moves that will up your conducting game. In no particular order:

1. The CLAW. This is legendary conductor James Levine’s signature left-hand move. It was first unveiled in 1990 at the Metropolitan Opera’s production of Wagner‘s Siegfried. Note how at first, you see The Claw slowly taking shape, but at 1:50 it completely takes control of his body – nothing can stop the awesome power of The Claw once you allow it into your conducting.

2. The MINIMALIST. When you’ve been asked to lead the best classical orchestra in the world, why bother doing anything at all? What could you possible do to make the best musicians any better? Even Leonard Bernstein, one of the world’s greatest conductors (and a composer), knew better than to try to mess with perfection. So he stood there, listened, and sort of smiled.

3. The MOMENT OF REALIZATION. This is a move created by Simon Rattle. After giving a handful of very specific cues, begin conducting as the Minimalist (see above), except with a stunned, euphoric face as if God has just revealed the secrets of the universe to you. That’s what happened in the video below – well, either that, or he just realized that he forgot to comb his hair for an entire decade.

Speaking of combing …
4. The HAIR. Some conductors like to use a baton to exaggerate gestures and make it easier for large ensembles to stay together. Some conductors prefer the expressiveness of the empty hand. The best conductors, though, conduct primarily through their hairdo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22wEhOdfAfA

5. The WHATEVER. If the performers know the music backwards-and-forwards, the conductor doesn’t have to worry about technical things like cues or keeping the group together. If you find yourself in this lucky position, just wiggle your fingers or make little goofy motions to ensure you don’t get fired for being redundant. Here are some expert examples:

6. The SPARKLY SEXY SHINY SHIRT. A tuxedo might be the standard conducting attire, but if you need a boost to your skillset, a Gold Shirt +1 will increase your CHA and your dancing abilities.

7. The COMPLETE IDIOT. If these masterful conducting moves are too difficult for you, don’t give up. Anyone can be a conductor, given the right circumstances.

If you know of any similar videos of masterful conducting, please post them in the comments!

We humans naturally compare our lives to the world around us – the start of life at spring, the fruits of summer, the autumnal decline, the dead winter. We find these cycles in many different aspects of our lives, not to mention our own existence. November, therefore, might be a time when we prepare for death, Thanksgiving, like a joyous last meal. Some people find this morbid, but, I find it comforting. Why else would we devote so much time and energy surrounding the end of our lives if not to bring some peace? We have religious practices to prepare us, social rituals to go through to help us through the loss of a loved one, and of course, art!

Johannes Brahms was utterly heartbroken when his mother died; he nursed his spirit back to health by writing what has become one of his best-loved works, his German Requiem.

Brahms’ mother died in February 1865; by the end of the year, he had written most of the Requiem. It is not a liturgical work – it is better described as a sacred concert work. It is a collection of Bible verses, sung in German, that gently take the listener through the stages of grief. Eighteen months later, Brahms completed a movement for soprano solo – some say it is his mother’s voice, singing from heaven:

And ye now therefore have sorrow; but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice …
as one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you.

Perhaps Brahms had finally come to terms with his mother’s passing.

It is necessary to note that Brahms was an agnostic; still, he chose to set religious texts. I don’t think this is that bizarre, really. Plenty of people with no religious beliefs will arrange for a religious funeral for themselves or a loved one. Even if the belief isn’t there, comfort can be found in moving through the rituals. You don’t need to understand German or be a Christian for this music to move you to tears. It is simply a human work – which I believe is exactly what Brahms intended.

For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away.

I graduated from college before Wikipedia became big, so I’ve never had a professor scold me for using it as a source. I have heard about people submitting papers which completely incorrect information, due to faulty articles and non-expert sources. I remain on the fence in this battle, because either one expert or a collective group of people are equally capable of getting things wrong, not to mention that zeitgeists seem to have way too much influence on what is considered fact. I was happy being blissfully ignorant of what was real and what was fake on Wikipedia.

Until today.

Now, there are untruths that hurt people directly, like the supposed link between vaccines and autism. And then there are untruths that may not directly hurt people, but waste human effort and create a distrust of expertise – perhaps like the modern Flat Earth Society. And then there are untruths that don’t cause any real damage, but really piss me off. Like the Wikipedia article on Johannes Brahms‘ Piano Quartet in G minor.

Traditional sonata form begins with an exposition, which typically has two contrasting themes (occasionally there may be a third theme). The article claims that there are five – FIVE – themes in the first movement. If this were true, the first theme returns in developed version before the third theme is heard. What the author thinks is two themes is simply a short introduction, followed by a single primary theme. Like nearly every sonata, there is a transitional section which brings us to the secondary theme (or, the author’s proposed third theme). The proposed fourth theme is simply the end of the real secondary theme, and theme five is a coda. The only correct thing the author said is: Although the exposition is not repeated, Brahms creates the illusion of its repetition by starting the development section with the identical ten measures that begins the exposition.

And then the ultimate lie: Very atypically, the recapitulation begins not with the first theme, but with the second theme in G major. Sorry, but actually the recapitulation did begin with the primary theme, it just happened way later than you thought. There is no “imitative development” (whatever that is) in the recapitulation. Lastly, in what way is the exposition’s final cadence “reluctant”, and the recapitulation’s final cadence “incomplete”?

LIES!