My newsfeed exploded this week with posts about Ludwig van Beethoven‘s 250 birthday.

trigger warning: If you love Beethoven, be prepared to hate me.
2nd trigger warning: I’m about to mention abortion, but this post has nothing to do with the being pro-life or pro-choice. So for goodness sake, don’t comment on it. If you must send me a hate-comment, do so because I am throwing shade at Beethoven.

There’s a pro-life meme that’s been travelling around for some time – there are variations, but it goes something like this:

“A syphilic mother of eight handicapped children becomes pregnant. Should she have an abortion? If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven!”

Just for the record, this is incorrect. Ludwig was the 2nd born, and the oldest surviving child in his family, and I won’t get into the logic issues of the argument.

So it’s Beethoven’s 250th birthyear. That means that musicians all around the world will be programming MORE Beethoven on their concerts this year. I can’t say I’m particularly excited.

To be clear: I love the music of the great composers of the past. There is a reason that masterpieces stand the test of time – their message is enduring, they are crafted perfectly, or they evoke a sublime reaction. If I didn’t think it was worth keeping these pieces alive, this blog wouldn’t exist.

So here’s my Beefoven with Beethoven. You can hear his symphonies performed live every year – at least the best six of the nine. If you look at orchestra repertoire in general, the composers are overwhelmingly dead. This chart from the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra takes into account thousands of concerts and shows living composers represent 12.3% of pieces performed (and I get a sense that the chart is bragging about how high that number is). A rough estimation based on this chart suggests that Beethoven is performed 25% of the time – one composer, getting twice the amount of performances as ALL living composers combined.

Ok, so his music is great. It’s hard to argue against that. But let’s go back to the “would you abort Beethoven” meme. Today, a syphilic mother of eight handicapped children needn’t worry that she might abort the next Beethoven; nobody will perform the child’s music anyway, because they’re too occupied with overplaying the first Beethoven’s music.

Now throw in the concerns that orchestras are failing to attract young or diverse audiences. Living composers are far more likely to bring musical ideas to the stage that would attract new audiences – not only with new sounds and styles, but also by addressing current issues or events. And using living composers would allow orchestras to actually diversify their repertoire and include more women and non-white composers. (go back to the chart from the Baltimore Symphony. A whopping 1.3% of music performed is by women composers. The chart doesn’t even mention race; I’m willing to bet it’s because the percentage of black composers would be even lower than women.)

But no, no, no, let’s not change anything. Let’s play Beethoven’s 5th for the birthday boy for the 5,555,555th time.

Which is more valuable: being able to read music or being able to play by ear?

Maybe you’ve had some good armchair arguments on this subject. Team Aural (ear) will point at the multitude of musicians who couldn’t read a note (and no, not all of the musically illiterate were popular or jazz musicians), and were unhindered by this supposed deficiency. Team Literacy*** usually concedes to this, but points out how foolish it is to purposefully not learn something that would be hugely beneficial. The negative stereotypes would be the ear-only rock musician who can only play three chords and a handful of tunes, or the stuffy, classical music reader who merely translates dots on a page into notes, playing without any feeling, and not connecting with the audience.

The truth, naturally, is that both literacy and ear are hugely important. A child can learn stories and life lessons aurally, but it would be ridiculous to use that as an excuse to not teach reading and writing; it is equally ridiculous to reject musical literacy. And just as we teach reading comprehension, musicians must learn to do more than reproduce the printed dots into sound. I need not go into any more detail here – you get the idea.

So when you think about it, the legend of Beethoven‘s Third Piano Concerto isn’t as amazing as it may seem. When it was first performed, the composer himself performed the solo piano part – which had yet to be written down! We have this tidbit from his page turner:

*** I say “Literacy” as opposed to “Eye” because there are many blind musicians who are musically literate – just as braille text books exist, so do braille scores!

Of all the musical tasks I’ve had to do, conducting is by far the weirdest. On one hand, the conductor is of supreme importance as the leader of the troops. On the other hand, the conductor makes no sound, and is therefore essentially useless. I’ve worked with ensembles who want every nuance clearly defined by subtle hand gestures coupled with eyebrow lifts, and I’ve worked with ensembles that want a downbeat and nothing more. I’ve messed up conducting pieces I had studied for ages and perfectly conducted pieces that I had never seen before. A great conductor with a bad ensemble will probably make a bad performance because the musicians won’t bother to look at the conductor, while a bad conductor with a great ensemble will probably perform well because the musicians will just ignore the conductor anyway. And yet, even though the performers claim to “never watch the conductor”, when something goes wrong, guess who gets the blame? The Sword of Damocles constantly hangs over the conductor’s head.

So what makes a great conductor? Here are some totally legitimate conducting moves that will up your conducting game. In no particular order:

1. The CLAW. This is legendary conductor James Levine’s signature left-hand move. It was first unveiled in 1990 at the Metropolitan Opera’s production of Wagner‘s Siegfried. Note how at first, you see The Claw slowly taking shape, but at 1:50 it completely takes control of his body – nothing can stop the awesome power of The Claw once you allow it into your conducting.

2. The MINIMALIST. When you’ve been asked to lead the best classical orchestra in the world, why bother doing anything at all? What could you possible do to make the best musicians any better? Even Leonard Bernstein, one of the world’s greatest conductors (and a composer), knew better than to try to mess with perfection. So he stood there, listened, and sort of smiled.

3. The MOMENT OF REALIZATION. This is a move created by Simon Rattle. After giving a handful of very specific cues, begin conducting as the Minimalist (see above), except with a stunned, euphoric face as if God has just revealed the secrets of the universe to you. That’s what happened in the video below – well, either that, or he just realized that he forgot to comb his hair for an entire decade.

Speaking of combing …
4. The HAIR. Some conductors like to use a baton to exaggerate gestures and make it easier for large ensembles to stay together. Some conductors prefer the expressiveness of the empty hand. The best conductors, though, conduct primarily through their hairdo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22wEhOdfAfA

5. The WHATEVER. If the performers know the music backwards-and-forwards, the conductor doesn’t have to worry about technical things like cues or keeping the group together. If you find yourself in this lucky position, just wiggle your fingers or make little goofy motions to ensure you don’t get fired for being redundant. Here are some expert examples:

6. The SPARKLY SEXY SHINY SHIRT. A tuxedo might be the standard conducting attire, but if you need a boost to your skillset, a Gold Shirt +1 will increase your CHA and your dancing abilities.

7. The COMPLETE IDIOT. If these masterful conducting moves are too difficult for you, don’t give up. Anyone can be a conductor, given the right circumstances.

If you know of any similar videos of masterful conducting, please post them in the comments!